I remember. . .

. . . Always.

Very, A long day

Tonight, I am drunk.
Not as drunk as I have ever been, but drunk enough to know better than to have turned on the computer and written about it.
Attribute this to the lack of sober judgment.
Please allow me to share with you this day; this remarkable, f'd up day.

Today was the Third Annual Fenton Dawson Memorial Volleyball Tournament. It has been almost three years we have spent without our friend. We once again celebrated during a time (when I feel pretty confident in saying) we ALL would rather hide in a corner, scream, beat the walls, curse the heavens, and question everything we have been told to trust.

The past fifteen hours have been some of the most joyous of my life; seeing the people I love most, mixed with those I see once a year, with those I met today. I have not the words to express the exuberance these people bring to my soul.

But tonight, after this long day, after WHY we were there, after the hugs, after the smiles, after the serves, after the camaraderie, after the rule discussions, after the adrenalin and the countless margaritas; I feel drowned.

There are so many thoughts flowing through my head.
It began early this week. . . I've already told you about the anger I feel driving past the airport every day.
But it has escalated.
Here’s the sheer, random, chaotic mess that is happening in my head.

Fenton is dead
Marsha is so beautiful
Maddie and Chase look so big
How does Marsha do this?
Look at all these people
Fenton would have so much fun
This coffee is SO good
I can’t believe all these people are here
Jesus Christ, David is so organized
I knew he was going to iron our shirts
I suck at speeches
Will my hands PLEASE stop shaking - I hate this
I am having the BEST day
David has really got to stop being so organized
This camera rocks
I hope I don’t screw up a line call
My feet didn’t used to hurt this bad from just standing
Fenton could have pancaked that ball!
If he were here, we wouldn't have to be here.

(After Party Time)
Fenton would be out dancing ALL of us!
Seriously, did SHE just do a jello shot?
I'm so stuffed
I love these people.

(Party time over - driving home – probably 10 too many margaritas
Starting to feel the collapse, tears coming.)
What if it were MY mom or dad who was gone?
They'll be gone one day.
Who will I have then?
How am I almost 36 and still have no family of my own?
This is not how I thought this would go

This has been such a long week
Smile.
No one likes a sad face.
You’ll just freak Mom out.
Talk to Dad.
I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm drunk and emotional.
Talk to Mom.
"Good God you are drunk."
She definitely thinks I'm drunk . . .

but

I know they know my fear.
It's just too much really,
for anyone who loves,
to contemplate.

No one has those answers.

The fabric I picked for the ottoman is perfect.
I have a good home, a good job, good parents, wonderful friends, I am strong, funny and independent. List checked.
I’m going to the pool tomorrow.
Maybe I'll sleep in.

But what if tomorrow, you were gone?
Would I be strong? who would I be funny for, and who,

just who

in the world

would I have,

to prove my independence to?

It's going to be hot out tomorrow.
I best take sunscreen.

Hey Fenton, You have mail!

As August 27 grows near I can’t help think more about you. Don’t get me wrong. . . I think about you every day. You see, I’ve taken a job in Versailles, so I drive by the Airport every damn day. I used to love that place. It was the place to go when you needed to be free. To watch the planes bring people home or take them to faraway places one can only dream of.

I never fathomed Heaven to be a destination.

They’re expanding the Airport, if you can believe that. It makes me angry; SO intensely angry when I see the vast acres of raw dirt exposed from the bulldozers. As the oil burns and rises into the sky – I see images of that day and my heart sinks, and aches. It was mildly comforting when the grass grew in your place, when flowers bloomed and life found its way to you. But this is just too much. Tearing you down and building over you will not erase you.

I’m sorry I missed your birthday this year. I promise we’ll have beers soon.

I went to the Arboretum for Summerfest a couple of weeks ago. It’s not Shakespeare in the Park anymore. I remember you and Marsha had the kids there for The Lion King (I think).
That was the last time I saw you.

This weekend is the volleyball tournament. I know you probably still don’t believe we do all this but hopefully you realize that . . . we ain’t stoppin!!! Ha ha ha I’m getting super excited about it! I LOVE seeing everyone out there having fun. It reminds me of the tournaments you guys would play when we were at Ashland. My favorite was the one at Seton Center when it seemed like you guys played for DAYS, through the rain, until 3 in the morning. I don’t even remember if you guys won or lost. I’m sure you do. I’ll have to ask David. He probably had eaten a dozen bananas for his leg cramps that night!

Susie asked Christie and me to come to Pops this year. I think that will be weird but I’m really looking forward to it. I know you’ll be there. I had SO much fun the last time we were all there. That seems like forever ago… I have some very funny pictures from that night. I’m sure beer & wine had NOTHING to do with those. HA ha ha

Ah man, it's good talking to you. It’s been way too long. I miss ya, lots.
See you Saturday. Bring the cooler, your knee-pads and some pancake mix!!!

A Quickie

HA! You all thought this was going to be a dirty little tidbit, didn't you???

NOPE, well, at least, not THIS time.

Today is August 3 and I was thinking that it sounds so "pending fall".

So my quickie thoughts of the day are:

3 things I will miss about summer:
(1) The pool. Perhaps the BEST thing about moving to my new place is the pool and all the laughs I've had with so many wonderful friends. I kinda like my tan, too.
(2) Driving around with my windows down blasting Don Henley, Rick Springfield and Journey.
(3) All the wonderful, glorious cookouts with the most amazing friends in the world.

3 things I'm looking forward to this fall
(1) FOOTBALL - duh, seriously. . . did you have any doubt it would be #1?
(2) Turning off the A/C and opening all the windows ALL day.
(3) Drinking red wine. (Oh wait. . . I already to that all the time anyway. . .)
OK sub 3 with. . . The new series of Mad Men. It is about dang time!!!!